by Josie Coughenour/Staff Writer
I don’t know why I was picked out of all the elves to explain to the ordinary human how my day goes. I mean, I have terrible handwriting. Let me start off by saying, I will not sugarcoat anything about how an ordinary day for me goes. There are enough lies in the world; you don’t need another.
My name is Bob, or that is what I call myself. When you are born, you are given a number. Mine is 456712389012738. So, when somebody wants to get my attention, they yell, “Hey, 456712389012738.” Why are we given numbers? Well, we are so busy creating toys for all of you, we don’t have time to name children. We all secretly name ourselves; that is why I am called Bob. Another Elf’s name is Sherry, another one is Derril, and so on and so forth.
We don’t have labor laws up here. We are forced to work every hour of every single day. Every single day of the year. We elves don’t fall asleep unless if we haven’t eaten a Christmas cookie in a while. So, we work every single day for 365 days of the year, while Santa gets to read about all of you. Also, elves die every five hundred years. So, I have a couple hundred left before I go too elf heaven; they probably work up there too. The rules are so strict that we have to be working while in the bathroom (sorry, Timmy Fishers, I accidentally dropped the wheels for your train in the sink). Relationships are not forbidden; you just have to make toys while flirting. Trust me, it is hard to kiss a girl while making a Rubik’s cube.
Also, we elves are not three feet tall, we are two feet tall, get it right! Don’t you kids know the difference from 24 inches and 36 inches? Well, there is definitely a difference. Unfortunately, we do tend to have big ears. Do not worry, it is easier to keep small things in there while working, especially ingredients while you are cooking. Elves are experts in everything, except you human people. We always wonder why you have male singers that sound like girls, can’t figure out the purpose for onions, and we don’t understand why you don’t celebrate Christmas year-round. We have in fact found out the reason why you pierce your ears. If we use our ears to hold food, you must use your ears like a funnel for icing, water, or any other liquids type things while you are cooking; is that right?
Also, elves don’t wear just red and green. That would be stupid. We also wear: lime, scarlet, ruby, and olive. Why are you humans always so stereotypical!? Santa also is not as fat as some of the books you make us make for you. He is scrawnier than a bean pole, whatever that is. He has white hair and a white beard, but so many wrinkles. They make him look better in your picture books. How else do you think Santa fits down the chimney? If he was fat, he could not fit down your chimney. Santa believes chimney houses believe in him, so he only goes too chimney houses to deliver presents.
That is basically an elf’s day. Work. Work. Work. We labor for your wishes and desires, and can only eat Christmas cookies, and listen to Christmas songs. We only get SNOW SNOW SNOW!!! Don’t you think we get cold? Don’t you think we get frostbite? So, this is my explanation of how I am forced to make all your wishes come true. I don’t want you to feel sympathetic or mad at our unpleasant situation. Just know that we care about all of you (even though you are complaining, selfish, stereotypical people)… We Care.
– 456712389012738 (Bob)